There’s less than two weeks left in the regular season, and there are still so many questions. Will the Rockies win their first NL West title in team history? Will the Dodgers go from Game 7 of the World Series to missing the postseason entirely? Who will win the wild cards in the National League? And, uh ...
Three. There are three questions left.
Four if you think the Orioles have a chance to finish 69 games back in the AL East, which, according to Major League Baseball’s bylaws, would give them an automatic berth into the postseason.
Four. There are four questions left.
That means we had better appreciate all the dumb, beautiful baseball we have left. Do you know what happens in a couple weeks? We get mostly beautiful baseball, with a self-selecting bias against dumb baseball. Which is fine. It’s just a little jarring, that’s all.
But for this week, we’re not going to start with dumb baseball. We’re going to start with an appeal to ...
Let us study this baseball thing
I’d wager that at least half of the Twins fans tuning into a game know who Tyler Austin is. That’s just a complete guess, but you would be surprised at how many fans attend or watch a baseball game without knowing the same ins and outs as the nerds on the internet. They might have heard the name Tyler Austin and watched some of his plate appearances, but they can’t really tell you anything about him. It’s even baked into his name, which is almost intentionally dull.
I’d wager that at least half of the people watching this game had almost no interest in the outcome. Sure, it would be better if the home team won, but they’re at the ballpark mostly because that’s a fine way to spend a September afternoon. Whether the Twins or Royals win ... that’s kind of beside the point. There were hot dorgs and beers and sun and good times. Maybe there was a ballpark giveaway, too.
This is all to set up this play and wonder why someone like Austin would risk his life for a pop fly in a game that nobody cares about.
My knee-jerk answer: Because this is awesome, and we need to appreciate it more.
My contrarian, contemplative answer: Maybe we shouldn’t encourage this.
I lean more toward the first one, to be sure. To see someone play one way — and only one way — regardless of what the standings say? That’s inspiring. Truly inspiring.
On the other hand, here’s what Austin was feeling like before that play:
Austin’s back is still stiff. Has been bothering him off and on of late. #mntwins will “go slowly” with him, Molitor said.
— Mike Berardino (@MikeBerardino) September 7, 2018
And as far as entrants in the Tumbles Over A Dugout Railing genre go, this was 70-grade. This was a pure tumble over a railing, absolute anarchy. Austin had no idea the railing was coming, and, honestly, the speed of his pursuit is probably what allowed him to complete a full flip. A slower approach might have ended up with him on his neck, or something similarly awful.
Do we really want players in meaningless games playing with this kind of reckless abandon? And, if not, what does that say about meaningful games, which really, really don’t mean anything compared to a young man never being able to walk again? I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with Austin’s effort here, even though I’m incredibly appreciative and enamored of that effort now that I know that he’s (mostly) okay.
I’m not saying we have to answer this conundrum, but I’m just saying I’m conflicted, that’s all. I love watching the theater of Austin trying as hard as he can in a game between two dreadful teams, but I also know that I’ll feel guilty when something bad happens.
Mostly, though, I wanted to study this baseball thing because I’m very, very intrigued by the Twins’ assistant trainer.
I think he should go full mustache and be the hero we need him to be. The all-gray/fanny-pack/New Balance combo is already perfect, so he’s almost there. So close.
The unwritten rules of whatever in the hell this umpire is doing
There are conspiracy theories about this play, and they include umpires being mad at Frazier for the ol’ rope-a-dope that he pulled the other week:
The umpire in question, Tom Hallion, is in a little bit of a jackpot. Whatever the reason for an umpire blocking home plate on the winning run — cheeky, ironic, punitive, oblivious — it’s probably a bad reason. Umpires should not insert themselves into a moment like this.
What this section presupposes, though, is maybe they should?
Think about it. Umpires getting involved in the games like they were wrestling refs, inserting themselves in crucial moments, tackling players and tripping them, making sure that the narrative couldn’t move on until they personally approved. I’m not saying this should happen on every play.
Just a couple of them every year.
I mean, obviously, it’s not ideal, but Hallion turned a walk-off celebration between teams that nobody cares about, even in their home markets, into something that we’re discussion right now. And it’s kinda funny? It’s kinda funny! I think Hallion was trying to be kinda funny. I don’t think he was flexing and asserting his superiority.
He was just being kinda funny.
Good gravy, how I can appreciate that.
This probably isn’t something that baseball can codify — making umpires be kinda funny — but it is something we can appreciate. Long live the umpires who can be kinda funny on command, especially when it doesn’t affect the outcome of the game.
More of this, please.
This is a double
It was not supposed to be a double. Then circumstances changed. It was a bunt, and then it became a double.
What a dumb, beautiful game this is.
This is a double
It was not supposed to be a double. Then circumstances changed. It was a single from a pitcher, and then he hustled it into a double when Joc Pederson lollygagged in center field.
What a dumb, beautiful game this is.
This is a double
It was not supposed to be a double. Then circumstances changed. It wasn’t just that Willson Contreras thought he had a home run. It was that he thought he had a home run that was so special, so emasculating, that he had to effect disgust that the pitcher was even on the same field as him.
Turns out it was just a double.
What a dumb, beautiful game this is.
Update to last week’s section, titled “Javier Baez is electric, even when he’s doing absolutely nothing”
Javier Baez owns a timeshare in Jhoulys Chacin’s head, and if you’re nice enough, he’ll let you stay there for a week.
It’s nice. Full kitchen and everything.
Baseball picture of the week
The Minnesota Twins did their rookie hazing thing, and it was beautiful.
That is the spiritual heir to Bartolo Colon, Willians Astudillo, being as perfect and magical as he can be, leading a phalanx of man-horsies to victory.
Now, this isn’t just the picture of the week because it’s a player of some import in a silly costume, surrounded by teammates in silly costumes. It’s the picture of the week because of what it represents. Just recently veterans made their rookies dress up like (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ sexy ladies ♥ because it’s funny. You know. Them dressing up like women. Ha ha. Can you imagine? Women!
And when the vocal section of the internet complained about the inherent sexism that went along with making a 22-year-old man dress like a sexy French maid for the purposes of humiliating him, there were TONS of people willing to say things like, “THIS IS THE NANNIFICATION OF THE P**** STATE MOLLYCODDLING JERKS” because they couldn’t contemplate a world where a) people weren’t demeaned and b) it was better for everybody involved.
This new world forces players to be more creative. It’s better for everybody involved.
Did you see that the Giants didn’t make their hazing rookie specific? That a veteran — possibly chagrined by all the sucking — got the entire team to wear dumb sweaters?
Here’s Madison Bumgarner’s:
GUYS I THINK I FOUND IT pic.twitter.com/2iKwfugQ18
— sharon 3️⃣5️⃣ (@xSammySeventeen) September 17, 2018
Gee, while Madison Bumgarner wearing a FURBY SWEATSHIRT THAT CALLS HIM OUT ON HIS OWN HOTHEADEDNESS is cool, I’d much rather see pictures of Andrew Suarez dressed up as a sexy yoga teacher. Totally.
The old ways are better. Can we just go back to the old ways, everyone?
Ugh, can’t believe we have to settle for Madison Bumgarner dressed like a Furby, here in the future.
What Shohei Did
He sat there and remained unappreciated, that’s what he did.
Shohei Ohtani is pure goodnesshttps://t.co/AMYnpoiY3u
— Michael Clair (@michaelsclair) September 16, 2018
He also hit another dinger and didn’t have surgery, but focus on the the part where he held his hand up and no one slapped it.
This week in McGwire/Sosa
McGwire
20 AB this week
465 AB for the season
2 HR this week
62 HR for the season
.200/.360/.500 this week
.290/.466/.731 for the season
Sosa
22 AB this week
585 AB for the season
2 HR this week
60 for the season
.273/.429/.545 this week
.313/.381/.653 for the season
Wow, just a .200 batting average for McGwire? Just a couple of homers for each? Kind of a dull week.
(Please read my lengthy article about the chase.)
Spoonerism of the week
It’s almost the end of the season, which means this unwieldy sucker is going on hiatus soon. So if we want to look at the spoonerisms of various MVPs in baseball history, now is the time.
We want to look at the spoonerisms of various MVPs in baseball history.
I don’t blame you. They’re dumb as hell.
Larry Barkin
People think he’s funny. A real estate investor who makes a lot of money.
Perry Tendleton
Graduated Kal Pappa Tam from Darnsley with a degree in business management.
Pave Darker
A direct order and full sentence.
Millie Ways
A sweet lass who dreams of the big city but knows her obligations at home will prevent her from realizing those dreams. Until a mysterious stranger comes into town.
Mackey Mintle
It’s just fun to say, and it’s also totally plausible.
There are a lot, from Rimmy Jollins to near-winner Male Durphy. Karmon Hillebrew is something with a 7.8% ABV that tastes like a mossy river rock but you pretend that you like on Untappd. Non Dewcombe is a way to dismiss one of your critics in a nasty Twitter debate. Those non-dewcombe weirdos always seem to miss the point.
However, we’ll have to take one of the hardest spoonerism constructs to work with — the “Mc” name — and turn it into gold.
Friends, I would like to introduce McGillie Wee.
It’s the only possible way to construct that spoonerism, and it’s perfect.
While you’re here, please read Spencer Hall on Willie McGee.
Thank you.